Dear America without kindest reards
Dear America without kindest regards
I…. can't ….breathe
Choked by the words i have a dream
In 1951 dreams were defered what happens when a dream is taken
How long will it be before people of all colors unite as one nation
But instead the bones of my people are breaking
Alton sterling
One child crying for his dad on the news broken like bones to never heal but we act like we care when the news begins to reel
Then they got the nerve to say mam your son was killed how do you feel
But thats America with our white collar dreams
Controlled by russias science poject high off nicotine
Whos plans are falling faster than towers on 9/11
This the kind of dude who make it seem like kim jung oon could go to heaven
Know of days equality looking like a pipe dream
It look like canda doing the right things
Our whole country in front of some sort of I screen
But as I look up to the sky my eyes are dry
Cause this cookbook for ramen is classified
I enjoy the rhyme scheme in the poem. This poem made me feel very ALIVE it had an interesting JOSH twist to it. It was interesting how you tied in things outside of the US to things the US is doing wrong.
ReplyDeleteHonest feedback: Do you have some vendetta on the US? Or do you just have some personal connection to it?
Deletenah im just being honest
Deletei like how you talk about race and you have a flow that is your own and you say things that connet to some people so it really connects to then and others no but the way you have it as a rap is really cool
ReplyDeletehonest feedback: i liked the flow of your poem but everything you have done is about race so mabey you could change that next time.i liked how it talked about ramen noodles being accosated with black culture and the approation of black culture but did you look at how we might be taking form other cutlures just a thought =) ethan
Deleteps it was still good tho
Your poem was very cheerful and lighthearted but at the same time it conveyed a serious image of the reality of American. What did you mean by "this cookbook for ramen is classified" though?
ReplyDeleteHonest feedback : Your poem was cool. There were some spelling errors and I don't really know if that was intentional or not. You focus a lot non violence but never anything personal.
Delete( Kim Jung Un* ) I really loved how you , again , added modern-day problems and how its all linked together in a way that its all impacting us negatively and how a lot of people only care about problems when its popular on the news then when its off the "recents". Again, you're an amazing poet, Keep up the good work =)
ReplyDeleteThis poem was really good in depicting both the away society is now and also how you feel about it. You also did a good job at voicing your opinion about how other countries and their leaders are which was extremely creative.
ReplyDelete-100%
Deletethat poem was GNARLY dude! I really liked the way how you pretty much described trump running this country without saying his name, and I liked how you used the current day and age as fuel for your poem. Josh, this poem wasn't good, it was really really really dAnK.
ReplyDeleteHonest Feedback:
DeleteJosh, your poem is really well written, its truthful, creative, and it was delivered really well. I think that in your poem, you described the issues that the United States is in, and I liked the way that you compared them to things of the past. I may view this poem differently from the way that you may, and in certain conditions, I feel i couldn't connect to everything in your poem. Though, this poem is really well written, and your poem is very creative.
Josh, as I said before you have an excellent hand of poetry! I love your poems and these reflect on what is happening all over America. Putting the rhyme in the poem kept it flowing. You say it better than anyone could have read it. Literally I am speechless- this poem is truly phenomenal, and keep writing it, you can make headlines! Amazing work Josh!!
ReplyDeleteJosh, your poem reflected on America very well. Nice rhyme in there too! A thing to say, ramen noodles are liked and eaten by most everyone, not just one race. As a matter of fact, I had eaten RN yesterday! You still did a good job, Josh.
Delete^Honest Feedback^
DeleteThis poem addresses some real world problems and issues that I think give this poem a real and current, important feeling and tone. I liked how you brought tone and a specific, determined voice when presenting this, which made this poem better, great work.
ReplyDelete(Honest Feedback): I believe some topics in your poem were used out of context, and were inappropriate. For example, I understand you were talking about racism in America, and the progress made over the past years, but some of your examples were not entirely in line with that perspective, like comparing "Russia's' plans falling" to the twin towers falling on 9/11/01. But I do believe you put a lot of thought into this poem, and I think overall, this poem is good.
DeleteThis was a really deep and thoughtful poem. I honestly loved all of the play on words that you incorporated, and you covered everything in a couple of lines. It told the sad story of America, and I LOVE the title. Your performance really added another dimension and that was amazing. You really embraced a unique perspective with all of the past, present, and future mistakes of this country. Well Done!
ReplyDeleteHonest Feedback:
DeleteThis is a really hard poem for me to sallow, because I think that all people have good in them. I hate to be judgmental, and I feel like this poem is giving a lot of stereotypical and judgmental messages. I feel like this is blaming people for hurting others, instead of evil that has tempted the people to make bad decisions.
I thought your poem was really good! It was very well written, and I liked the way you presented it because of the power you put into your voice when you read your poem aloud. It gave your poem a lot more meaning than if one were to read it. I also liked how you related your poem to the past/history. I also liked how your rhymed a little bit in your poem. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHonest Feedback:
DeleteI did really like how you put a lot of meaning into your poem when you read it, and how you related it to the past and how you feel, but honestly, there was some parts that I didn't like about your poem because some parts were being kind of racist, but overall, if I had your perspective, it was a really good poem.
that was fire!!!!!i liked how you explaind how most places have become corrupt and are not as good as they where .
ReplyDeleteyou spelled Kim jong un wrong
Deletehonest feedback
DeleteI really liked this! It was great and had a lot of flow. It addresses a lot of core problems in america and how people are divided. It showed how some people think the problems in america are ok and what you thought of those people. I liked your references of events in america.
ReplyDelete(Honest review)
DeleteI liked the flow of your poem but your topics do not change much, it always seems to be about america and social reform but not your personal self. I also think you could have spell checked the poem too. I'm not sure if it had a lot of structure or a specific topic other than a lot of stuff about society.
This poem is stellar, Joshua! I had no idea that the rhyming was so good as this one while incorporating world conflicts that is surreal! Additionally, I loved how you used many bold words that stand out while keeping it nice and concise. This is an excellent poem, and I hope that you continue to make even more poems like this!
ReplyDeleteHonest Feedback: To be honest, I really appreciated this poem and the effort that you put into this. However, there was one part that I didn't really get too much, which is the last line, because I had no idea that Maruchan "Ramen" was a stereotype in the black community, nor should it. This is mainly because you don't really see Maruchan in stores anymore, considering that everyone is moving to healthier alternatives like avocado toast. However, your poem was really funny and entertaining, even if some parts didn't make sense. Overall, you did a great job.
DeleteThis was presented really well and you had so much confidence with presenting. I like how we were able to tell what you were talking about without you have to say the name of the person. I really liked the way you rhymed how it was not forced, but it flowed. Also how your voice got louder and you were talking faster towards the end effected the way we understood the poem as well, great job!
ReplyDeleteThis was mainly my honest feedback, I just did not understand the ramen part at the end, and when you did explain it it did not make much sense to me, it was a very tough poem, however I still think it was really good.
DeleteThe poem was really funny and clever, which helped lighten the serious topic and make it easier to think about. However, the subject carries enough weight to make me reflect on life. In my opinion, the typos help take the poem less seriously so that it is easier to confront these issues. The social commentary balances well with the wit. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI feel that this comment represents my honest feedback on this poem.
DeleteI liked the message your poem gave and how you used lots of comparisons. Also, I liked how you mentioned things in your poem that required the reader to have prior knowledge of what you're talking about. I really liked how this poem had a personal meaning to you and addressed issues that are important to you but it also could be understood from a general level from what other people's views and experiences on what you're talking about are. I also thought you really opened the door to something that can be a sensitive situation for a lot of people to talk about and on top of that you managed to rhyme your poem and have a really good rhythm when you read it aloud to the class.
ReplyDeleteHonest feedback: This was my honest feedback about the poem
DeleteIt was amazing how you were able to fit all of the problems with American society into one poem. This poem was very powerful, and I think that that was because you did an amazing job presenting. I think that it really had a lot of your experiences put into it, but very indirectly which is something I think is difficult to do. Overall, I really enjoyed and I hope to see more!
ReplyDeleteHonest Feedback:
DeleteI really did enjoy this poem. I think that for the few lines it talked about race it was difficult for me to connect to it because I'm white, but other than that I truly enjoyed listening and reading it.
Wow, what a powerful commentary on the sociopolitical reality of living in American right now. And your presentation really resonated, too--I felt the essence of spoken word. I love the line "but instead the bones of my people are breaking"--you invoke race, power, and struggle in a "show-don't-tell" sort of way that is powerful. It is clear that you know how to put pen to paper and play with words in ways that make your audience think, make deeper connections, and critique contemporary society.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this represents my honest feedback. My only addition would be that I was interested/confused by the ramen part at the end, like some others in the class. I thought this was a powerful poem about the dangerous reality of being a Black boy in this country right now.
DeleteYou are this year's poet resident. I'm continually impressed with your lyricism, and skill in bringing complex ideas together. I don't get the last line...cookbook for ramen...what do you mean there?
ReplyDeleteThe references to current events is super impressive, especially when considering you are young, and society tells us that young people don't follow the news...love how you turn that on it's head.
I'm super excited to hear your spoken word poem. I think you're really building your confidence and I can hear the evolution in your delivery.
That was my honest feedback.
DeleteYou have an amazing talent that not everyone has. You choose to express your thoughts on society and how it interacts. You have a very poetic mind and it amazes me. You really set the tone for how america is today and all the ongoing issues. I could hear the dedication in your voice. I really love this.
ReplyDeletethat was my honest feedback
DeleteThis poem was amazing!!! It is very well written. I loved how everything in your poem related to our country as a whole and certain events in history. It had dept to it. The way you delivered it was absolutely astonishing! Very well organized and it sounded like you practiced it. It's just one of the best poems I have ever heard. I would love to hear this poem over and over again. AMAZING!!!
ReplyDeleteI like how this poem addresses racism in america, while is made relevant by using things that draw peoples attention, and it is great on how serious you were on the topic, and you were not hesitant to share your poem.
ReplyDeleteThis was honest except you spelled Kim Jong Un wrong
DeleteThis poem really shows how america still hasnt changed over the years but to make things worse it is being controlled by donal trump. also it shows how newsreporters can be ignorate asking how african american moms feel about their son being killed.
ReplyDeleteHones feedback: I liked your ryhming and how you talk about racism but thats really all it and your poems are becoming repetiive so a switch up would be nice so ya =)
DeleteJosh, your poem was extremely deep and meaningful. I like how you touched on some issues of racism in America. Also, the delivery of your poem was amazing. The current events that you referenced did a really good job of drawing the reader's attention. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteThat was my honest feedback.
DeleteThis poem was flodded with stories that had to be told and the poem expressed what everyone feels like. When you mention the news and how people feel bad against their nature shows the truth about all the things that people do feel and not the mask that covers it. also when you say ramen I associate that with black people and that it is a cheap meal that you dont need alot to make. I would have it every day but it sometimes can be unhealthy. I think this poem could be understood wherever you live.
ReplyDeleteI dont really think you needed to add kim jung un to the poem as wel as russia because it doesnt really follow the portrait as a poem and it seems that at that moment you seemed to veeer off the path and when you say these things it doesnt seem like these countries are experiencing racism from the U.S. and that they are just in conflict with us. Also when you said ramen i dont think that everyone really relates to ramen the same as others do and it seems that because of the discussion with edmond people have related to it differently. the poem did have a connection to some people and you did a nice job explaining all of these things.
DeleteHonest Feedback:
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I still love this poem. There were a few spelling mistakes, but I didn't care, I just loved the message you gave in your poem and the way it was delivered. The way you delivered it definitely added emotion and lots of dept. I also would like to add that your title was great. It's like, your not trying to be nice, your being honest and you don't care if you hurt "America's feelings" because tbh, this is the was America is. Very creative! I Still Love It!!!